Sunday, January 18, 2015

Impatiently Patient

    Well here we are, 39wks and 4 days. We are 4 days away from my due date! There are so many emotions running through me it is hard to figure out how I am actually feeling and what is just crazy hormones. I think the best way for me to describe my feelings is "impatiently, patient". 
    Do not get me wrong I am very excited to meet my newest little princess but I would be lying if I said I am as ready as I was with Sadie. I am ready for her to be here, hold her, love her, and see how her big sister reacts to her but as far as the labor process goes.....meh. I could do without it. 
      With Sadie it was hot, I was ginormous, miserable, and had no cares in the world as far as labor was concerned I just wanted her to be here and didn't care what the process was like to achieve that. About 2wks before her due date I went to the hospital with some serious contractions, got all hooked up to the monitors and they checked me and I was 3cm and I think somewhere between 90-100%. I thought I was going to be admitted, I was wrong, after hours of not making it to a 4 they gave me the most useless shot I have ever received in my life and sent me home. My water broke 2 days before my induction, 6 days after her due date, it broke about 12:30pm. I got to the hospital about 15min later, my contractions were terrible, I screamed for an epidural, thank God for those things, it took me about an hour and a half to get mine. Once I got my epidural it was smooth sailing from there. I made it to 10cm somewhere around 9:15/9:30pm and started pushing shortly after and then at 9:45pm my beautiful 7lb 2oz, 20in long baby girl was born! Nothing crazy, no complications, pretty standard birth story. I thought then that if that was what giving birth was like I could have a dozen kids, no problem. 
      The thing is over the last 2 years I have developed some serious anxiety issues. I have seen and experienced some pretty crappy things that have triggered it and have made it so that I have a hard time managing it on my own now. I have dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember (it runs is my family for the females, lucky us) but it has always been manageable and not a big deal. But I guess when you fill up your plate with roles such as wife, mother, full time student, employee, etc. and then  attempt to deal with real life things it gets kind of hard to calm yourself down, especially when you are more concerned with making sure everyone else is okay before allowing yourself time to deal. I know a lot of people say that as a Christian anxiety isn't something you should have to "deal with" that you should just trust God, give your worries to Him, it's not a real disorder, taking medication for it is giving into the world, and that if you believed in Him enough that you wouldn't have this problem. Well I am here to tell you that is the biggest load of hypocritical, uneducated crap that I have ever heard! Anxiety is a real disorder and so is depression, which thank God I have not had to deal with. Some people can just pray and have it go away others can't. Some people have a real chemical or hormonal imbalance that requires medication or forms of therapy. I am not at that point yet but if I ever get there I will not be ashamed or embarrassed. 
      I said all that to say that as my due date has gotten closer, my anxiety about labor number 2 has gotten pretty bad. I have many more "what ifs" running through my head. Some of those I don't even want to say out loud because they are just terrible and down right silly. I have a huge fear of complications this time. Most of that fear is coming from the miscarriage and having a scare of placenta previa in my 2nd trimester. I have great doctors I love and trust each one of them and they have all assured me that everything is going great and that I shouldn't worry but I do anyway. My thought process about round 2 has basically been "You better prepare yourself because it can't possibly go that smooth a second time that just doesn't happen". I know that is silly logic but that is how my brain is working right now and it just makes me sad. I want to be as eager as everyone else is about me going into labor. When I have a contraction I want to think "Awesome I hope this is it!" instead of "Oh crap, not now, I hope they don't become regular". 
     So impatiently, patient is where I am at. I am impatient because my little sister is getting married on the 30th, number one I do not want to in any way steal her thunder. I want their day to be about them, not me in the hospital having a baby. Number two there are some people that are coming up for the wedding that frankly I just don't want here while I am having a baby. So for those reasons I want her to hurry up and make her entrance so that we can have as much recovery time as possible before the chaos begins. If it wasn't for those things I would be perfectly content with her taking her sweet time and not even interested in talking about an induction. 
     I don't have the normal 2nd time mom fears of "How can I possibly love another child the way I love my first" or "I hope my first doesn't resent me for bringing home another baby" or "How am I going to have time for two kids". It may sound bad but those are the least of my worries. I know that my heart is big enough to love as many kids as God wants us to have and that I won't love them the same, I will love them differently because they will be different, but I will love them equal amounts. I know Sadie is beyond excited to be a big sister and I know she is going to be great at it! She  talks to my belly every day and tells baby Quinn to hurry up and come out so they can play. She said she wants to teach Quinn how to sing and dance! They are going to be adorable together! And as for having enough  time, I will make time. We have had always had crazy schedules so we have gotten pretty good at being creative about making sure we have time for not only Sadie but each other and once Quinn gets here we will just get more creative as  our schedules get crazier! 
      I do have an appointment on Wednesday the 21st, one day before my due date. At my last appointment I was only at 1cm and 60%. She said I need to make a significant amount of progress to be induced soon after my due date so that we don't run into the wedding festivities. So as scary as it is I am praying for progress at the very least and obviously I would much rather go on my own, it is much easier that way. So unless I go into labor on my own before Wednesday that will be the next time I post so check back then to see where we stand! In the meantime I guess I should show off some maternity pics for you to enjoy!
Very first baby bump pic at 12wks. I was so happy to  make it to 12wks!
It's a GIRL! We had so much fun doing our gender reveal silly string photo shoot!
 These pictures were our actual maternity shoot, we did these when I was somewhere around 30wks I believe. I wish I could share them all but I put up a few of our favorites!

My most recent baby bump pic. This was Thursday at exactly 39wks! 

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