Impatiently Patient

    Well here we are, 39wks and 4 days. We are 4 days away from my due date! There are so many emotions running through me it is hard to figure out how I am actually feeling and what is just crazy hormones. I think the best way for me to describe my feelings is "impatiently, patient". 

    Do not get me wrong I am very excited to meet my newest little princess but I would be lying if I said I am as ready as I was with Sadie. I am ready for her to be here, hold her, love her, and see how her big sister reacts to her but as far as the labor process goes.....meh. I could do without it. 

      With Sadie it was hot, I was ginormous, miserable, and had no cares in the world as far as labor was concerned I just wanted her to be here and didn't care what the process was like to achieve that. About 2wks before her due date I went to the hospital with some serious contractions, got all hooked up to the monitors and they checked me and I was 3cm and I think somewhere between 90-100%. I thought I was going to be admitted, I was wrong, after hours of not making it to a 4 they gave me the most useless shot I have ever received in my life and sent me home. My water broke 2 days before my induction, 6 days after her due date, it broke about 12:30pm. I got to the hospital about 15min later, my contractions were terrible, I screamed for an epidural, thank God for those things, it took me about an hour and a half to get mine. Once I got my epidural it was smooth sailing from there. I made it to 10cm somewhere around 9:15/9:30pm and started pushing shortly after and then at 9:45pm my beautiful 7lb 2oz, 20in long baby girl was born! Nothing crazy, no complications, pretty standard birth story. I thought then that if that was what giving birth was like I could have a dozen kids, no problem. 

      The thing is over the last 2 years I have developed some serious anxiety issues. I have seen and experienced some pretty crappy things that have triggered it and have made it so that I have a hard time managing it on my own now. I have dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember (it runs is my family for the females, lucky us) but it has always been manageable and not a big deal. But I guess when you fill up your plate with roles such as wife, mother, full time student, employee, etc. and then  attempt to deal with real life things it gets kind of hard to calm yourself down, especially when you are more concerned with making sure everyone else is okay before allowing yourself time to deal. I know a lot of people say that as a Christian anxiety isn't something you should have to "deal with" that you should just trust God, give your worries to Him, it's not a real disorder, taking medication for it is giving into the world, and that if you believed in Him enough that you wouldn't have this problem. Well I am here to tell you that is the biggest load of hypocritical, uneducated crap that I have ever heard! Anxiety is a real disorder and so is depression, which thank God I have not had to deal with. Some people can just pray and have it go away others can't. Some people have a real chemical or hormonal imbalance that requires medication or forms of therapy. I am not at that point yet but if I ever get there I will not be ashamed or embarrassed. 

      I said all that to say that as my due date has gotten closer, my anxiety about labor number 2 has gotten pretty bad. I have many more "what ifs" running through my head. Some of those I don't even want to say out loud because they are just terrible and down right silly. I have a huge fear of complications this time. Most of that fear is coming from the miscarriage and having a scare of placenta previa in my 2nd trimester. I have great doctors I love and trust each one of them and they have all assured me that everything is going great and that I shouldn't worry but I do anyway. My thought process about round 2 has basically been "You better prepare yourself because it can't possibly go that smooth a second time that just doesn't happen". I know that is silly logic but that is how my brain is working right now and it just makes me sad. I want to be as eager as everyone else is about me going into labor. When I have a contraction I want to think "Awesome I hope this is it!" instead of "Oh crap, not now, I hope they don't become regular". 
     So impatiently, patient is where I am at. I am impatient because my little sister is getting married on the 30th, number one I do not want to in any way steal her thunder. I want their day to be about them, not me in the hospital having a baby. Number two there are some people that are coming up for the wedding that frankly I just don't want here while I am having a baby. So for those reasons I want her to hurry up and make her entrance so that we can have as much recovery time as possible before the chaos begins. If it wasn't for those things I would be perfectly content with her taking her sweet time and not even interested in talking about an induction. 
     I don't have the normal 2nd time mom fears of "How can I possibly love another child the way I love my first" or "I hope my first doesn't resent me for bringing home another baby" or "How am I going to have time for two kids". It may sound bad but those are the least of my worries. I know that my heart is big enough to love as many kids as God wants us to have and that I won't love them the same, I will love them differently because they will be different, but I will love them equal amounts. I know Sadie is beyond excited to be a big sister and I know she is going to be great at it! She  talks to my belly every day and tells baby Quinn to hurry up and come out so they can play. She said she wants to teach Quinn how to sing and dance! They are going to be adorable together! And as for having enough  time, I will make time. We have had always had crazy schedules so we have gotten pretty good at being creative about making sure we have time for not only Sadie but each other and once Quinn gets here we will just get more creative as  our schedules get crazier! 
      I do have an appointment on Wednesday the 21st, one day before my due date. At my last appointment I was only at 1cm and 60%. She said I need to make a significant amount of progress to be induced soon after my due date so that we don't run into the wedding festivities. So as scary as it is I am praying for progress at the very least and obviously I would much rather go on my own, it is much easier that way. So unless I go into labor on my own before Wednesday that will be the next time I post so check back then to see where we stand! In the meantime I guess I should show off some maternity pics for you to enjoy!

Very first baby bump pic at 12wks. I was so happy to  make it to 12wks!

It's a GIRL! We had so much fun doing our gender reveal silly string photo shoot!

 These pictures were our actual maternity shoot, we did these when I was somewhere around 30wks I believe. I wish I could share them all but I put up a few of our favorites!

My most recent baby bump pic. This was Thursday at exactly 39wks! 

Proud to be a Christ follower AND a Duke fan

This morning I became so overwhelmed with anger and disgust with the responses I was seeing to Duke University choosing to allow a Muslim call to prayer on Friday afternoons. Students are NOT required to participate but the opportunity is now there. If you are unfamiliar with this news you can search it or view this link which even though it is a news website gives what I found the best explanation and various responses to which I am referring to. http://www.cnn.com/2015/01/15/us/duke-call-to-prayer/  My hope is that this rant will make sense to everyone and maybe even spark some intelligent conversation. 

  So let me get this straight, Christians get all bent out of shape when our rights to worship how we choose are taken away(which should make us upset) but when a university is trying to make it safe for all religions to have the opportunity to worship God in the way they choose we are suppose to condemn them? Hmm not following the logic there. I might add that the ignorance that some "Christian leaders" are demonstrating is appalling to me. And we wonder why people hate Christians and want nothing to do with our religion. If you know anything about "religions" then you know that the Islamic religion worships the same God we as Christians do, Allah is the Arabic word for God just as Dios is the Spanish word for God. Now they believe differently than Christians as far as customs and rules and the afterlife, etc. but it is the same God they worship. Also newsflash every religion has extremist that do terrible things in the name of God, I know it is a shocker to most of you but yes even Christians have an extremist group. They would be the ones that protest funerals of fallen soldiers, hold up burn in hell signs at gay rights rallies, and tell people they are going to hell for having an alcoholic beverage. In actuality the Islamic religions are very peaceful, loving and accepting. Just as with everything, the media will never show that side of things because it doesn't make for good TV and the majority of people are too set in their ways and are perfectly content with living in ignorance to do research of their own. I am so fed up with the hypocrisy of people who call themselves Christians it literally makes me sick! My God is LOVE, Jesus taught love when he walked this Earth. He hung out with those who were out casted for their lifestyles, He built relationships with them and showed them love to bring them to know His Father. He reached out to those who were broken hearted and suffering instead of telling them it was their fault for not believing hard enough. Honestly at what point are we going to follow in the example that Jesus set for us? There is no way that we will ever reach people for Christ if we keep representing Him in this way. There is a way to stand up for what we believe in without being hateful, disrespectful, and shaming people. If you were a struggling non-believer would you honestly want to be a part of a religion that does nothing but tell you how wrong you are and points out every flaw before accepting you or pitches a hissy fit every time something doesn't cater to their wants? I know I wouldn't. I am a Christian that shocker, is a sinner and struggles on a daily basis with real life things such as anxiety, anger, oh and here is a kicker I struggle with getting my quiet time done every day, because you know what sometimes life gets in the way. And you know what else? My God LOVES ME ANYWAY! In spite of my screw ups and imperfections He loves me, provides for me, and still  wants the best for me. And as a Christian I still get condemned for the things I struggle with because somewhere, someone decided that Christians are suppose to be perfect. Last time I checked the only perfect person to walk the Earth was Jesus and we are called to be FORGIVEN not perfect! I also get looked at funny for not hating people who, drink, smoke, do drugs, have premarital sex, choose to be a part of another religion or no religion, or live a homosexual lifestyle. I don't know if people know this but you can love someone and even hang out with them and not agree with their lifestyle!  It wasn't until I started becoming the outcast that I realized how backwards my view of Christianity was becoming and I made changes and continue to be intentional about how I treat others and making sure everything I do is out of love and not judgment or hate. I guess my point to this is if you are going to claim to be a part of something then you should care enough to educate yourself about it so that you can represent it properly so you aren't the bad apple that is spoiling the bunch! And I won't apologize for this post because honestly I hope some people get their toes stepped on by it.
I have been a Duke fan for many years and the fact that they are striving for religious equality frankly makes me even more proud to be a Duke fan! Kudos Duke for being accepting of all people!

Catching Up

Wow it has been 3yrs since I have written a blog, I think I forgot I had one of these! So today's post is dedicated to hitting the highlights of the last 3yrs. I want to get back on track with blogging, I find it sort of therapeutic and at this stage of my life I actually have interesting things to write about. 

HIGHLIGHTS:
* September 17, 2011 at 9:47pm: Sadie Lynn Fortune made her grand entrance all on her own weighing in at 7lbs 2oz and 20in long. 
       *She has been so much fun to watch grow. She is definitely one of a kind with her personality. She is the perfect mix of both families. Her obsession is with superheroes, she loves them and knows way too much about them and the stories that go along with them for a 3yr old! She is way too smart, loving, down right hilarious, and just the most adorable kid you will ever meet!

* 2012*
     * We celebrated many of Sadie's firsts, we both ended up with new jobs that we loved!
*2013*
     *This was the start of a very hard 2yrs
  * I had to make the decision to stop doing massage therapy due to a nasty Ganglion Cyst on my right radial joint that will never completely go away. This did open up the opportunity to find my true calling which is nursing. 
   * I obtained my CNA and began attending school to knock out some pre requisites for Nursing School. I also started my first CNA job at a nursing home after making the move to Statesville.
    *At the beginning of the year we got devastating news about Scott's 10yr old cousin Nicholas. Within a few months he was diagnosed with a rare disease called Aplastic Anemia. He had 2 brain bleeds, many complications, many accomplishments, and a bone marrow transplant. By the end of 2013 he was able to enjoy a few weeks at home which included Christmas with the family. 
  * In November we found out we were pregnant with baby #2 and announced it to the family over our Thanksgiving get togethers. 
 * At the beginning of December I woke up to severe cramping and bleeding, after a trip to the doctor we learned I was having a miscarriage. We were devastated. I was only 7wks along but we were already so very attached and in love with this baby. The whole ordeal was not over until the week before Christmas, I almost ended up having to have surgery. It is still hard for me to grasp why or that I even went through something so tragic. 
*2014*
    *This year started off with the hopes of great things.
   * I began making arrangements to do online courses and take a leave of absence from work to help take care of Nicholas while his parents had to go back to work. He ended up back in the hospital, in what they hoped would be a short stay.
  *In the beginning of February I began sitting with him in the hospital during the day, I loved every minute of my time spent with him.
  *February12, Sadie had her first surgery, she had her adenoids removed. This was the best thing to happen to her!
   * After that things with Nicolas began to go down hill and on February 21 surrounded by all of his family he passed away. Next to my miscarriage, this was the worst day of my life. It was so hard to see such a sweet young boy fight for his life and watch the life slip from his eyes.  I am so thankful that he is now healed, no longer fighting, and in the presence of our Lord! I miss that kid more and more everyday!
  *That began a year of very sad firsts for the Fortune side of the family.
 * In May we finally received some good news for a change, we got pregnant with baby #3 due to arrive end of January 2015!  This pregnancy has been completely different from Sadie's and has gone by quickly and thank God there have been no complications whatsoever! Oh and it is another girl!!! Quinn Reese Fortune is going to be very spoiled, and Scott actually could not be more excited about a house full of girls! Sadie is also extremely excited and cannot wait to meet her little sister!
  * In October, Scott was blessed with an amazing job at a marketing company in Charlotte, he absolutely loves it! 
*2015
  *It just started but already Scott has been promoted and we have made the decision to move to Charlotte once our lease is up in March. 
 *Currently we are waiting the arrival of miss Quinn and preparing for a wedding! Not ours of course but my little sister's! Yep somewhere in those years she found the love of her life, who just happened to already be one of our great friends! Her and Swain  will be getting married on the 30th, which means Quinn needs to hurry up!

That is our last 3yrs in a nutshell. It has been a crazy ride but I know God has had us in His hands the whole time and I cannot wait to see where He takes us next! I also plan to share this crazy ride with all of you so stay tuned!!